Features

I thought I was safe this time, but I should have known better. When my iPhone rang at exactly midnight Malaysian time and I promptly ignored it, I knew who it was — who it had to be, who it could only be. And then, almost immediately following my indifference having been voluntarily indisposed, the Skype UU Chat request appeared in my Microsoft Teams window. I reflexively accepted it — my first mistake, since a) Skype was supposed to have been scotched by now, and b) I neglected to recall that “UU” stood for “Unknown User” and not, as I had hoped, for someone from the U2 universe who had desperately been trying to reach me to reschedule a call that never happened. (Achtung, baby — this is why we use Zoom now instead.)

“Hello Markle,” came the garbled croak across the line. “It is I, Dr. Loof Lirpa, and boy-howdy, do I have some newfangled AAA-level turntable news for you.”

I’d long ago given up correcting my name with the good doctor. We’d been through all this many times before, literally decades before, all the way back to his bicentennial-year announcement regarding the Lirpa Turbo Steamtable and Lirpa Liberty Freedom 1776 A-FY loudspeaker, a patriotic gear match made in American Ingenuity heaven. We had long covered Lirpa’s wares over in our dearly departed print-medium first cousin, Audio, prior to his rejoindering us at our sister pub/site Sound & Vision, and we were trapped had caught up with the good doctor exactly a year ago here on AP when we reviled fondly combo-reviewed his Noah’s Arc turntable.

“Oh hello, Loof,” I typed into the voice translator, so that he heard me speaking more like a street fighting man named Mick than in my typical tone as Mike. “To what do I owe this displeasure honor?”

“I’ve really cracked it this time,” Lirpa replied with his usual non-monotone enthusiasm. “Cracked it, I tell you — and not the plinth this time, either. No no no — I have instead almost definitely upped the analog ante. So may I introduce to you, after all these years, the one and only Lirpa Labs John Cage 4'33" Silent turntable.”

“Go on,” I type-spoke back, fully intending at least two interpretations of that phrase. And then the doc took me up on my lesser-preferred meaning, first by sharing the following image onscreen to further illustrate his point before blathering on getting down to the technical nitty-gritties.

“Very well, Michelle my belle. What I have made for you and your lovely Apt Planetary readership today is a truly unique turntable that offers a minimalist aesthetic. My team and I have gone with a clean, monochromatic design. You can choose amongst matte black, white, or soft gray as its finish, and what you see here is in super-deep matte black. The focus, you see, is on simplicity. The 4'33" platter features a subtle pattern, made of concentric circles on a smooth gradient that gives the illusion of serenity as it spins. The rotation itself — at exactly 33, with no piddling, extra ⅓ about it — becomes a meditative focal point.

“The 4'33" turntable’s base has a seamless, curved structure with no sharp edges, exuding tranquility. Look further, and you should see embedded a small engraving of a musical staff in one spot and a rest symbol in another, both of which hint at Cage’s revolutionary embrace of silence.

“Materials for the 4'33" include polished wood — or, for an additional under-the-table fee, brushed metal for a timeless and sophisticated feel. Give me even more moolah, and I’ll throw in frosted glass for that added ethereal quality I know you like.”

The 4'33" table’s image was rotating rhythmically on the screen as the doc continued onward with his pitch-black pitch.

“Soft, diffused lighting emanates from underneath the platter, casting a gentle glow onto the surface it rests on. It is intended to simulate the ambient atmosphere of a quiet space. Also, on the base of the 4'33", I’ve included a touch-sensitive area that lights up and activates subtle vibrations when touched, symbolizing the interaction between the audience and the environment in Cage’s works. This truly Silent design emphasizes stillness, simplicity, and an elegant reverence for the unspoken beauty in soundlessness.”

Taking a note — give or take 273 of ’em, that is — out of Cage’s songbook, I paused before type-to-talk answering. “Loof, I’m all agog,” I wrote-spoke. I was directly referencing Lirpa’s All Agog AAAI-1 turntable in my insider’s response, but I soon realized he had already forgotten about making that marvelous piece of furniture equipment, since it had never made it past the design stage.

“I’m thrilled you like it!” Loof gurgled back. “Would you like to explore additional elements or hear me refine any part of this concept further?”

Again, I enjoyed the silence paused briefly before responding. “Your turntable design concept sounds truly poetic,” I reasoned, with more reasonable intention than I might have allowed with others. “Indeed, I will grant that it is a near-perfect homage to John Cage’s philosophy. But,” I intoned — and this was a big but that could have seriously blocked the entire release process — “how will records play on the 4'33" table without a tonearm or cartridge?”

“I thought you’d never ask. I’m not kidding — I really, really thought that you wouldn’t ask that. Well, in the 4'33" table’s case, records wouldn’t be played traditionally since you’re right that there’s no tonearm or cartridge present to read the grooves. Instead, the turntable functions purely as an artistic piece inspired by the essence of music and silence, rather than as a functional record player. It’s more about creating a visual and conceptual experience to celebrate music’s abstract beauty.”

“I see,” I semi-said in return, although I wasn’t even looking anymore. “And how much would the 4'33" table retail for, perchance?”

“For such a bespoke, artistic piece inspired by John Cage, I’ve set the retail price for the Lirpa 4'33" Silent table at a cool $433,334, given its level of detail, customization, and artistic prominence. In total, it took roughly 8-to-16 months for my on-crack design team to get this amazing product ready for the marketplace, so I think that’s more than fair, and it’s not to be adjusted.”

“Solid!” I type-said. I had actually said-typed, “Unsold!” — but I let it slide because I needed to get out of this back to work. “Well, Loof, I will be happy to let our entire readership know all about this astounding piece of claptrap gear, and I will even be generous enough to include a purchase link. Anything else you’d like to add before I cancel my Micro-Skype handle get back to my next impending deadline?”

“Yes, Michelangelo. One last thing for all of your Amazing Planeteers who are still with us. Just remember that the Lirpa Labs 4'33" turntable isn't entirely about silence — it’s a celebration of ambient sound and the environment. It invites us to listen actively, turning everyday moments into art. I love how it aligns with Cage’s philosophy of embracing chance, impermanence, and the unpredictable beauty of life itself. I submit that Cage’s approach is endlessly inspiring for anyone exploring artistic expression beyond traditional boundaries — and you know how I’m all about not respecting boundaries. Until we AI-meet again, au reservoir.”

And with that, the Loof Man blooped on out of there, and was back off the grid where he belonged. Gosh speed, Doc.

For more than anyone has a right to know about Lirpa Labs and how to buy your very own John Cage 4'33" Silent turntable, go here.

To learn exponentially more about the Lirpa Turbo Steamtable and the Lirpa Liberty Freedom 1776 A-FY loudspeaker, go here.

For our two-by-two review of the Lirpa Labs Noah’s Arc turntable, go here.